Hi, Meredith. Please call us at 866-903-0990 or email us at. jams July 4, 2018 at 5:51 pm Permalink. It would be best to start off with an explanation of what the No Contact Rule is all about. Now, one word of warning. Before you rush to judgement to agree or disagree with what I am about to say, be sure to read my comments in full. Ok, so let's get back to explaining how the No Contact Rule could possibly work in certain marriage situations. Think of it this way. There may come a time where it might be beneficial to simply shut down all communications with your spouse. That means not talking, not texting, no phone calls, essentially no communications. Obviously, this is not easy to accomplish if you are still married and living under the same roof. It is even more difficult to accomplish if you have TEENren together. So for a married couple, my advice as to whether you should implement and how you would go about implementing the No Contact Rule is predicated on many factors. First and foremost is the degree in which you perceive the marriage is failing. The worst the marriage, the more inclined I am to recommend the Principle. Though I think elements of the No Contact Rule will likely have to be adapted. Let's peel back a few more layers because, quite frankly, this is a complex conversation when evaluating if there is benefit in adopting a No Contact Rule while you are married. I generally don't recommend you adopt the No Contact Rule within a marriage because after all, you are married. You are not technically going through a break up or separation. Though, you may be suffering many of the same issues that singles experience when they break up with each other. I have seen a lot of marriages that are failing in which the couple essentially live under the same roof, remain married, but for all practical purposes, the marriage is a bit of a mirage. Such dysfunctional marriages are more frequent than you may realize. About Dr. Joe Beam and the MH Team. Everything I Do Annoys and Irritates My Husband– Why Is He Moody All The Time. How do you do smart contact when you're still living in the same house, even sleeping in the same bed and have a TEEN together? The TEEN doesn't know her dad doesn't love me any more. No affair that I know of. If you wayward spouse left you because s/he felt controlled by you, all this becomes even more important if you want to use the no contact rule to win them back. [There is a lot more to say about whether you actually were controlling or if that is a manipulation on the departing spouse's part, but that is more than I can mention here. If you wish to receive an eBook on control, email. My wife and I have been one month separated. We are South Africans. We have been married for about 19 months now. It was a rocky road from the start but we kept at it through sheer love and determination. We did not have 'enough' courting time– basically two months long distance after we met online. We have three TEENren, 2 from my previous relationship and her with 1 from hers. we instantly became parents and had TEENs competing with our courtship time to the point where we felt we were each not being present for each other. Over time, it would appear my wife's focus on the marriage was deteriorating to the point where one argument blew the lid and she announced SHE WAS DONE. I begged and pleaded as this had come as a shock. I still love her and believe there is scope for a very strong marriage given how we had always stood out for the marriage. I have been consulting since beginning of the year and that hasnt made financial matters easy either. I just want my wife back. I am not able to call you from this far. I have been desparately clamouring for help on the internet. I have downloaded countless videos to the point of confusion. Currently at No Contact for 2 weeks. Is she not reading my silence as confirmation that indeed i didnt love her? All i needed was to be out of her space and would forget she ever was in my life. i am desparate. I want to commend the folks at marriage helper for all of the good information on how to save marriages. I would like to make a suggestion to you regarding your FB adds; please make them more inclusive. There are brown people, black people, and other ethnic groups who are vested in saving their marriage but are not reflected in the adds that are posted. Your adds are only reflective of white couples and that is not reflective of the differences on the FB site. This is a suggestion and I hope that it is given consideration. Thank you. Why don't you want to give the message that you can't live without the wayward spouse? Or that you think about him/her all the time? It's because it implies that you will be there no matter what s/he does. How the No Contact Rule Can Work in a Failing Marriage By Chris. We hear regularly from people who used that approach that it only drove their spouse away if s/he already wants away from you and has vilified you to justify leaving. First, we teach principles. You have to decide how to apply it to your situation. Every person and every situation is different in some ways from others. Yes, many things are very similar. It's the small differences that require you to use wisdom as you apply the principles. My Husband Makes Me Cry and Doesn't Care About My Tears. When we at first called it the No Contact Rule to get your husband or wife back, we didn't anticipate how people would hear those words over the other things we said about the principle. I'm Married But In Love With Someone Else. My Wife Keeps Threatening To Leave and Divorce Me. In a little while, we are going to talk about how you can employ the No Contact Rule to get through a major marriage speed bump, such as a marriage on the verge of failure. Ok, let's get back on our track! Remember what I said earlier? There are generally three directions a marriage is usually heading. The first one is one that is moving forward. That's the kind you like. While it is not perfect (no marriage is perfect), it is progressively evolving in a mature and positive way. Think of a climber who is going up a mountain. To progress upward you have to climb a series of switchbacks. It is hard work, but rewarding as you make your way up the mountain. Sometimes as you climb, a switchback might take you down for a spell. It is normal to have some setbacks to lose some marriage ground but a solid marriage will correct for these temporary setbacks as the general direction is upward. This is a healthy marriage in my view. A second type of marriage is one that is failing. Possibly it is failing miserably. This marriage is headed for trouble if an intervention is not made. The struggle to just keep it together and to keep the marital commitment intact, can be overwhelming. For example, if you have TEENren together, it makes sense to contact the wayward spouse to share information, ask opinions, and more. However, if when you talk about the TEENs you regularly start into something such as "the TEENs cry about you every night," s/he very likely will start avoiding your calls or finding ways to end them quickly because it looks like you are using the TEENs to try to get them back. For example, if s/he is alone and hurting and hasn't told you to leave him/her alone. Even then, I would suggest caution and not to do it too often. If it comes across as begging or whining or makes it appear that you can't live without him/her, it usually backfires. She talked bad thing about me for every one.for her family for her friend even for my family.She is not happy when I came home from work.She phoned me only for many.when I was out home for work even she didn't asked me if I were arrived in the work place.always it's me who initiated to call her or for sexual intercourse.Always she had bad attitude toward me.I told her it is not good for her and me but she can't accept it.Even she didn't say sorry for her foult always she think she did a correct thing she is defensive about every thing. Whether it's about business or just to chat, listen. If s/he provides any openings to true emotions, gently speak to them.